Yesterday my son and I were talking. We talk a lot. Sometimes we just goof off and play off each others comments. Other times, like yesterday, we talked about God’s power and ability to change the lives of people.
It wasn’t in those words exactly. In fact, I was sharing a couple of video’s from Carman. Carman is a man of God whose music, faith, and ability to tell a story just amazes me. I love listening to his music and enjoy watching his YouTube videos on life coaching.
I explained to my son that Carman was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (bone cancer) but was healed by God miraculously.
At the moment I said that, I looked at my son and my mind began to wonder. A question came into my mind before I could stop it. I could picture my son, looking at me and asking, “If God healed Carman, why won’t God heal you?”
I blocked that question out of my mind but it haunted me. How can I explain to my teenage son that God has the power and the authority to heal me but doesn’t? Why does God seemingly answer one prayer and turn a deaf ear to the cry of another? Why?
In all honesty, I struggle with this. I don’t have an answer nor can my mind reason this out. I suppose this is the type of question everyone wants to know at one time or another. This is probably why some people reason out there is no god. If there is, then He can’t possibly be good and merciful.
Am I doing something so wrong that He choses not to anoint my physical body and make me better? Did someone else do something that caused me to be the way I am? Will I ever have a life where I can work for a living, I don’t need to depend on disability checks, and I can spend time with family and friends again? Or is this something I will have to live with for the rest of my life?
Of course, other questions branch off from those and are enough to make any person lose their mind or feel anxious. I wish I had answers but I don’t. I don’t know why some people get better while others die. I don’t know.
I wish I could look at my son and say everything will be okay in this life. I will get better and we’ll be able to go on vacations, to soccer games, and other fun events.
I can’t offer solace there and, as a mother, it breaks my heart. However, even though I don’t have the answers to these questions, I know God does hear my prayers and is my strength in spite of it all.
God is the one I call upon who gives me strength and purpose even if the world thinks my life means nothing and I cannot offer myself in ways society accepts. Just because God isn’t healing me right now, when I think He should, doesn’t mean He won’t. He’s not saying no. He’s just saying, “Not yet.”
My physical body is wasting away. My time on earth is limited. Even if I were to be healed physically, that wouldn’t be forever. My body is flesh. It’s made of ashes and dust. However, my spirit will never die. I know I will see the friends and family who love Jesus again. There won’t be pain, sorrow, sickness, or disease when I am gone.
I know this probably makes people uncomfortable. It’s awkward to speak of death. It’s even more awkward to speak of life after death. It’s real, though. It’s just more to the forefront for those who struggle with illness or chronic pain. Death almost becomes a welcoming climax because we are just so bone weary and exhausted from this life.
Please don’t misunderstand. I am NOT suicidal. Although I long for death, I love life. I love so many aspects of it. I love the people. I just want the pain and illness to end. I just wish that wasn’t so much a part of my existence that everything else in life becomes tiring. I would love to just be able to take a shower without worrying about that shower using up ALL of my strength for the next two or three days. I’d love to spend a whole day with my friends or family and not be affected by the laughter or noise. I’d love to do something, other than go to a doctor’s appointment.
That’s just not meant to happen at this moment. Will it happen in the future? Will it happen in this lifetime? I don’t know. I do know it will happen one day and that’s what keeps me going. That and knowing that my life might actually make a difference to someone someday. Maybe that someone will see the peace and strength Jesus gives to me in each and every situation I face. Maybe. Just maybe they’ll see Jesus in my life and will desire to have that tranquility and calm only Jesus can give.
I’m not calm and tranquil because of anything I’ve done. I can’t take any credit for anything good that comes from me. I know where my future lies. I know where my soul rests. Whether I’m alive or gone. My soul rests in Jesus and He is the very reason I live and breathe. That’s where my joy lies.
Will I know the answers to those questions within? Maybe. Maybe not. It really doesn’t matter. What matters to me is the One who does know the answers. Whether He chooses to illuminate me in this or not doesn’t matter. It’s not my place to demand anything from God. I am only called to believe and follow. Sometimes that “believing” and “following” won’t make sense to me. All I know is, when I do believe and follow, my life doesn’t seem so overwhelming or futile. That’s faith in action.
All I can do is believe what Jesus said and trust Him. Whether He heals me in this life or the next is completely up to Him. I suppose this is what I would tell my son. Sometimes, the “why” isn’t important. The “why” only keeps us trapped in a stagnant life where we eventually stop looking for answers at all. Sometimes we need to ask “what” and “how” instead. What is God trying to teach me in this season of my life? What can I do that will bring honor to Him? How can I change my thoughts and actions to be in line with Jesus and His life teachings? How can I extend Jesus’ love to others without alienating them and making them feel like God is unreachable?
Why ask why?